#21 – In Which We Splurge Too Soon

Oh hello! If you’re only just stumbling in on this FFVII blog, please be advised that it’s now longer than most of the characters’ swords. Feel free to join in the fun – it’s been a rollercoaster so far – but as Final Fantasy 7 has become the lengthiest series on Iron Man Mode by a long way, here’s a handy link if you want to start at the beginning.
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So in the week that everyone is having fun playing Tomb Raider 4 and the new Sim City, I’m stuck here in Cosmo Canyon listening to a bunch of hippies talk about how lovely the earth is. But listen up, douche bags: the world isn’t all peachy otherwise we wouldn’t be running around trying to save it.

Also: get a hair cut.

But given it’s up to Cloud – who wouldn’t suffer from having a hair cut himself – and his motley crew to stop both Shinra and Sephiroth from ruining everyone’s day, the first thing I do is head to the weapon shop to oopgräd our equipment:

Hate to compete, huh? So you won’t mind me haggling outrageously with you, then.

Even with my mad hagglin’ skillz, my money doesn’t go far. I buy Cloud a new sword, Tifa a new knuckle duster and all of us a new protective armlet (turns out they were long due an oopgräd). Following my little shopping spree I’m left with a paltry 600 Gil but I get the kitty back up to 3654 Gil once I flog my old gear back to him.

Excellent! That bit of retail therapy has perked me right up! It was a shame I didn’t have enough to spring for a new gun for Barret, but I’d rather save some money to spend in the materia store. Speaking of which, what goodies do they have to offer? I’m going to splurge the rest of our cash and buy out this sucker’s entire shop.

AWWWWW. I splurged too soon (a common problem). I’d love one of those MP or HP Plus badboys but I can’t even afford half of one. Would half a materia even work? I dunno. I’ll come back later.

Heading to the observatory, we bump into Nanaki (who I named EmilyKing) as he’s talking to Bugenhagen (who should have been named Yoda). Bugenhagen is talking in mystic tones about Nanaki’s spiritual journey and how he’s not quite an adult yet, nor is he ready to stand on his own four feet. OOH BURN! In reality, Nanaki has more HP than most of us combined and has single-handedly saved us from a premature death more than once. “Thanks for looking after Nanaki,” the old man continues. Hah! More burn!

After we’re done destroying Nanaki’s self-esteem, Bugenhagen randomly drops this little obscurity like some kind of mad beat poet:

How strange. Is this some kind of prophetic knowledge? Is he breaking the fourth wall and referring to me directly, since as a player I’m well aware that later in the game a meteor is pulled from its orbit towards Midgar?

Perhaps the old man really is as wise as they say…

Nope. He’s just a MASSIVE BUZZKILL. On the bright side, the shadows of those bottles on the table make him look like he’s wearing clown shoes.

He talks about the cries of the planet, and right on cue we hear something that sounds like a cat sharpening its claws on a chalkboard, except the sound is mixed with MIDI pan pipes. Trust me when I say that somehow makes it even worse. It also makes me wonder why I’m being treated to this cosmic headache, since I thought only Aeris was gifted enough to hear the planet giving us trash talk. If this means her only discernable skill isn’t all that unique, then it means she’s even more useless than I originally thought and that totally blows my mind.

Bugenhagen takes us all up to his observatory to give us a lecture about the planet. And it is a lecture. Tifa’s impressed, though.

Right so in order to get laid I need to build an planetarium when we get back to Midgar. Jesus, woman. If you love Bugenhagen’s observatory so much, why don’t you just marry it?

Bugenhagen tells us that the planet cannot survive without hippie energy, and Shinra is sucking it out of the planet to create Mako energy but once it’s converted it can’t be re-absorbed. We kinda knew all this but it’s fun to have it explained to us again through the glorious medium of mid-90s FMV cutscene.

Shortly afterwards we gather around the town’s main fire – the Cosmo Candle – and I get one of those rare opportunities to chat to everyone and see what’s on their mind.

Barret laments the deaths of Biggs, Wedge and Jessie way back in the Great Pillar Incident of 2012. Given that Cosmo Canyon is where his predecessors founded AVALANCHE, he takes this moment to announce that the group has been born anew and he’ll continue his fight against Shinra. Good on ya, champ.

Cait Sith doesn’t have much to say. Aeris tells me that the elders of Cosmo Canyon have taught her a lot (read: filled her head with more nonsense) and that she feels all alone. Cloud tells her we’re all here for her, but what she means is she’s the last surviving Ancient.

Tifa acts weird. I think all the observatory excitement has gone to her head. She tells Cloud that bonfires are odd in that they make you remember all kinds of things, and asks if he’s really ‘him’. She goes on to say that it feels like he’s going far away. This kind of conversation is apparently entirely normal to Cloud because he doesn’t press the issue or ask what the hell she’s talking about.

Nanaki is thinking about his parents. He tells me that long ago, the Canyon came under attack from a neighboring tribe. His mother stood and fought to her death, but his father apparently ran like a cowardly custard.

Bugenhagen turns up.

“What’s that?” Nanaki queries. “A dangerous and long overdue boss battle followed by a revelatory plot twist in my character arc?”

“… we’ll be right there!”