#15 – In Which We Welcome in the New President

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No, not that one. Sorry. I meant President Shinra.

It turns out the new President is in Junon, and it just so happens Sephiroth has been spotted there too. Since they’re both gentlemen I’d like to have a stern word with, I plan to also make myself available in the town of Junon.

We leave the cave¬†we were in after finishing up our conversation with the Turks. Guess where they’re heading? Yup, also Junon. I can’t see any reason why we don’t all car pool.

Despite my mako-energy saving suggestion, everyone agrees to continue being mortal enemies working towards the same goal and we all head to Junon separately. I take the eco-friendly method of travel and trek for miles across the world map, while Rufus Shinra takes a helicopter and the Turks probably ride in a limo or something equally suave.

See? I’m becoming more and more sensitive to the planet’s plight as this blog goes on. It’s almost as if I’m on my own personal character arc. I’m sure I’ll end up having my preconceptions about the world challenged, will do a total 180 on my prior attitudes and will ultimately develop and grow into a better person.

For now though, it sucks having to walk through the world map and I wish I had an SUV. I keep getting attacked by monsters at the rate of one random battle for every five steps I take…

… Tifa, kindly give this chump a Shoryuken.


Thank you.

I finally make it to Junon and it’s… erm… it’s nice? I mean if you pushed me to elaborate, I’d probably describe it as a shit hole, but the locals are fairly friendly?

I’m trying to be kind here. In truth, I can’t stand the place. Not because the house prices are extortionate; that’s to be expected given that it’s a coastal town. And it’s not because I have no idea how to pronounce the place’s name – Juh-non? Joo-none? Juhn-oon? None of that matters. Case in point, I insist on referring to Wutai on the East of the world map as ‘Wutang’, so I’m not that bothered about place names.

And I’m not drawing off the fact that gun crime is at an all-time high here – let’s face it, if you come to a town which is literally a gigantic gun and you’re surprised at the level of violence, you’re a cast-iron twonk.

No, the reason I hate Junon more than any other location in Final Fantasy 7 is because of its music. I have no idea how the residents can bear to listen to this chintzy garbage on constant loop. Even the residents of the Junon slums grumble a lot – unlike Kalm and Midgar, the people here are unanimously against the Shinra corporation’s rule, although there’re only five people living here so it’s not exactly a Gallup Poll-sized sample group.

But I’m not here to write a guide book. I’m here to fight this beastie:

Boss #8: Bottomswell, HP 2,500

Bottomswell – despite its fearsome name – is not a particularly difficult boss. My guys all have around 600hp at this point, and his top attacks take off just over 100, so in theory I can take an entire 16 rounds of attack before I’m forced to take a trip to the¬†cemetery, assuming I’m silly enough not to heal up at any point. And I don’t display my ineptitude in such a manner.

Instead, I display my ineptitude in other ways.

Bottomswell traps Barrett in a bubble, preventing him from attacking. What’s worse, the bubble is slowly draining his health. Aghh.

But let’s face it. It’s a bubble. I get Cloud to pop it.


Tifa looks on in absolute bafflement as Cloud fails to free Barret, and instead inflicts a brutal sword wound.

Hmmm. I spend most of the battle just healing Barret up in the hopes that the bubble will disappear on its own, but it never does. And then something dreadful happens: Cloud also finds himself in a world of bubble-based woe.

Tifa carries the battle on her own, and it’s only towards the end of the battle that I realise if I let the lads die and revive them, the bubble situation solves itself. I’m also learning only know while I write this up that the thing is called a Waterpolo and any kind of offensive magic would have made it go away…

… and I also learn that I was unwittingly close to having to end the blog. If Tifa had been trapped in a Waterpolo too, it would have been curtains.

Thankfully we make it through with me not actually knowing how close I was to death. I have to give mouth to mouth with a prepubescent girl (long story) but otherwise, there’s no point hanging around in the village. Cloud leaves the team behind and manages to sneak up to the town above, where President Rufus is having his welcoming parade.

And that’s when the irritating music begins to loop incessantly.

Balls to it. If I have to put up with this crap, you’ll have to too if you want to find out what happens next:

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